Random Update

Okay, enough of the serious blogs. Here's a random update of things in my life right now:

I love the way Frosted Mini Wheats soak up the milk when you drop them in it. As much as I've eaten of that darn cereal lately, I've seen this a lot.

My Norah Jones station on Pandora radio is amazing; I couldn't have imagined there were that many songs out there for my Norah Jones-moods.

Rich saved me from a "butterfly" the other day and I have never been more grateful that he doesn't chide me for crying over things such as that.

My legs are peeling from a sunburn... I got on Labor Day. What in the world took so long??

I really need to make that apple crisp stuff I made a couple weeks ago again. It was one of the best desserts I think I've ever had.

While riding in the car, I flip to 99x every so often just to see if they're playing "Ignorance" by Paramore.

Speaking of which, here are a few lyrics I can't stop listening to as of late:
I'm not the same kid from your memory
Well, now I can fend for myself
-"Ignorance" by Paramore

The more I know, the less I understand -"Forgiveness" by Don Healy

Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend
-"If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz

Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love
-"Many the Miles" Sara Bareilles

I was born to walk, and built to last
-"Canned Heat" by Jamiroquai

I'm really into animal prints lately, but just zebra and giraffe. I think it started with the zebra print cake on Cake Boss early in the summer.

My apartments a mess, but I'd rather spend time with Rich than clean it. Or play WoW. Both are way more fun.

I think I have a really cool job.

I have finally met a three-year-old I like. She looks at me funny, won't sit on her dress, and is overall kind of weird, which is why I think I like her.

I hate typing transcripts; I mean, I really, really hate typing transcripts and listening to my own voice and realizing on paper how many more things I could have done had I been able to read it instead of being in the moment.

I am enjoying learning so much about myself through grad school and the past six months. I am finding myself growing and changing so much, and for the first time, I really think I like the woman I'm becoming. Tis a lovely journey to be on.

Down the River We Go

There are times in my life when I get tired of fussing about things and I simply suck it up and do it. When I arrived at my internship sit last Tuesday, I decided I was done feeling unproductive and scared of doing the wrong thing; I got frustrated enough to just say, "Screw it, I'm at least going to try." I did a few things wrong, but I did it anyway. When I knew my last relationship was ending, I fought against it, fought against him, fought against myself to hold onto something out of fear of the unknown. I was a struggling dam against a natural river's course, and the change it would be. My only success was in flooding my own life with fear and unhappiness. Long after many, often times smarter, people would have given in, I finally gave way and let the river run its course. I was taken aback at how easy it was to let the river run over me and carry me to a new place. I have now wanted his bed out of my bedroom for two months. I have even made plans for someone to help me move it, but have found other things to do instead of dealing with it. Today the dam burst again, and I could wait no longer to have it out; I wouldn't even hold off and have someone else to help me move it. It took me twice as long to do it myself, but every time I would reach a point where I was afraid that I couldn't accomplish the task alone, a surge of anger and resoluteness would wash over me and I pushed harder. I am currently fighting off an allergy attack because of it and my healing shoulder and arm muscles throb at me, but my bed is in my room now. It is just another way I know that the flooded plain is behind me, and I am traveling onward to new places.

Down the river we go- down, down, we go.

Swimming

I learned how to tread water years ago. Though a total surprise, it was necessary that I learn. I knew of the existence of the sea, but it was abstract and a far distant concern while I was securely on the shore. My plunge into the sea was sudden and vicious, and I was lost in waves, not knowing where the surface was or how to reach it. I'm not even sure I wanted to fight; I didn't think I could or even know that I had to. Eventually the angry waters receded, and I could touch ground again, gasp for air, and remember how to breathe. I never truly made it to the shore again; occasionally the waves would lap over my head, and I would begin to tread water as best I could. Over the years, certain events were undertows that drug me out, deeper and deeper each time. I learned to tread water better, because it was necessary- I was quite literally fighting for my life.

Eventually a storm of unexpected strength appeared and the undertow swept me away, pulling me under, far, so far from shore. For a time, I fought to stay above, but I grew tired, and weary, and simply let go. I sank below the surface without struggle. I didn't necessarily want to and wasn't actively trying to drown; nevertheless, I didn't care if I did. I lacked the will, the strength, or even the courage to swim, and so, I sank. Life vests were thrown to me, and I accepted them reluctantly. I eventually stopped sinking and even broke the surface, returning my life vests out of pride.

For the next two years, I came closer to the shore, but was still to deep to stand. So I treaded water again. Waves would come and wash over my head, and I learned to tread more and better. At the end of those two years, another massive storm came, similar in magnitude to the one before it. To my complete and utter surprise, I found myself able to keep my head above water by my own strength. The storm swelled and thrashed me through the sea, like an angry child at a naughty doll, and yet I was firm, my head stayed above, and I continued to breathe. I never expected that I would be able to tread the back-breaking waves; my surprise in this was then completely overwhelmed by my shock at my ability to swim for the shore. Only a short time before, I was drowning; now, I was able to swim out of the undertow that was railing against me, siren calling me to a release. When I was drowning, my loss of will and courage was brought on by my knowledge of how weak I was; I knew I couldn't fight strong enough to stay afloat, and I didn't. But somehow in the last two years of treading, I grew stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I grew strong and courageous enough not just to breathe, but swim to shore and to freedom.

Originally I thought this would be a story on treading water. Halfway through, I realized I wasn't giving myself enough credit. I'm no longer simply trying to breathe; I'm taking steps, or strokes rather, to be whole, stronger, better. I am the lion who found the courage that was there all along, and the view is much better from the shore.