I am beginning to understand why people elope.
Lesson #12: Simplicity is fallacy
When I set upon adventures in wedding planning, I had intentions of doing it well and simply so that when I arrived on August 13th, I would be happy and as stress-free as possible. As life, nothing appears to be as simple as it actually is. For example, the menfolk need tuxes. My thoughts were, "Okay, I'll look at a few places online, I'll decide where we should go, and Bobby will come help me pick it out." First off, see the first entry in Lesson #13; that set us back 20 minutes or so, but no big deal. Then the sales associate tells me the groomsmen will have to pick up their suit the Wednesday before the wedding. My groomsmen won't be in town by then. Hell, my groom won't be in town by then. Two of my menfolk are in Birmingham; two are in Alexander City (hour and a half away); one is in Bowling Green, Kentucky; and one is in New Mexico until the week before the wedding when he'll drive back to Auburn. I have now had to get on the Jim's Formal Wear website; find retailers in Alexander City, Auburn, and Bowling Green; call the groom to find out how far before the wedding his brother in Bowling Green will be arriving; call the retailers in Alexander City and Auburn to make sure they have the suit jacket style number I need, how much it will cost, and how long before the wedding they need to reserve it. Still on the to-do list is communicating to the groomsman in New Mexico that he'll need to get his measurements done at a suit/tuxedo rental place, call those into the Auburn store, and pick that up before the wedding and communicating the other information with the two menfolk in Alexander City. See? All I needed was to get tuxes rented. The things about the wedding that have been the most difficult have been the least expected. Picking out a dress? That was easy. Took about 6 hours of leisurely shopping, trying on about 10 dresses, and eventually bought the third dress I tried on. Buying a bra to go under the dress? NIGHTMARE. Picking out the cakes? Took 10 minutes of looking online. Wedding showers? Copious communication between me and six other people to figure out what day, where, what I'm going to wear, whether the gifts should be wrapped or not, guest list, etc. It is baffling to me.
Lesson #13: I need a wedding dictionary
So, apparently:
"Tux" and "suit" are different. A tuxedo has a vest or cummerbund; a suit has neither. (Whatever.)
When I say "strapless, low-back bra", apparently what I mean is "strapless, low-back bustier". I assumed if I walked into a lingerie store and said, "Hi; I need a strapless, low-back bra" the sales associate would respond with, "Well, we don't carry that, but how about a strapless, low-back bustier." We would skip merrily to the dressing room and I would leave with something to wear under my dress.
There is also a difference between "lingerie" and "sleepwear". Theoretically I understand this, as I have never thought lingerie was something a woman sleeps in. (Maybe takes off to sleep with someone, but I digress.) But when "Lingerie" is listed on the Victoria's Secret website under "Sleepwear", I got nothing. (Seriously, go see for yourself.)
Not to beat the point to death, there is also a difference between 1) bras, 2) corsets, 3) bustiers, 4) undergarments, 5) lingerie, 6) babydolls, 7) teddies, 8) nighties, and 9) garters. I don't speak French.
Adding "bridal" or "wedding" onto the label for an item immediately adds 10-15% to that item. Difference between the Bridal bustier at Victoria's Secret and the non-bridal bustier is $10. The only difference is one is mesh instead of satin, but it's not the cheaper one.
Lesson #14: Be gone with your tiny questions
As with any wedding, there are tons of people involved. There are those in the trenches, such as myself, my matron of honor, and Bobby. There are those close to the trenches, like my other bridesmaids, the photographer, caterer, baker, candlestick maker, etc. Then there are those whose job is important but damn near negligible at this point. They have precisely one assigned task, and while that task may very important, their one task is a 200-word essay to my dissertation. I am receiving calls, texts, facebook messages, and questions from others about the most ridiculous things. For instance, Bobby's dad wants to go ahead and book a block of hotel rooms (this was in May); he asks Bobby how many hotel rooms we need to book. Bobby asks me. My part at this point would be to call up the entire wedding party and my family and find out who is staying where. I have too many other things to be done than to be the Hermes or Paul Revere of this wedding. Call or facebook them yourself. Every woman not assigned a dress (read: bridesmaids) has asked me to "approve" their wardrobe choice or to help them pick out their dress or help pick out their color for their dress. Fine- no white, no black, no gratuitous cleavage, no Satanic symbols. I cannot answer every. single. little. question. every. person. has. about. the. wedding. There are some questions that should be fielded to me: what color do you want your bouquet to be? Can you give me a list of shower invitees? Legit. What color is your mother wearing to the wedding? Not one of those. Ask her. I know more about this wedding than anyone else, but you would not call the tri-state manager of Starbucks to find out what time the Starbucks at Inverness Corners closes. Work it out yourself, people.
On a happy note:
I picked bridesmaids dresses:
I picked out and ordered my hairpiece-thingy:
And my garter:
Bobby and I had our engagement photos taken, which turned out even better than expected: http://ardenphoto.squarespace.com/journal/2011/5/20/we-love-engagement-sessions-arden-photography.html .
Lesson #15: Insert appropriate Queen song here
All in all, I am getting there. I am stressed, I am tired, I am frazzled, I am sick of calligraphy pens, I want nothing more to do with Victoria's Secret for the time being. But, by God, come August 13th, I will be there, I will be pretty, I will be happy dammit, and we will have a good time! Or else!
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