My "Month le Weddings" is coming to a close, and I have now attended three of them. It's been very interesting going to all three weddings; all three of the brides I had grown up with in church, all of us in our small town Baptist raisin's, and yet our wedding are so very different. One good thing about being the final wedding of the year for my Hillabee Baptist people is that I get to steal ideas from the other brides; so far, namely my cousin, Mary Katherine. Her wedding was the closest to what I want mine to be. She's definitely helped me out in the unity candle decision-crunch (I'm stealing her idea of doing communion); I'm also much more comfortable with my wedding reception time-frame I had in mind (both our weddings will be four hours from start of ceremony to leaving reception, and I didn't get bored at hers). The biggest thing I've decided to play copy-cat on though is that she and her fiancee used the traditional vows and added onto them with personal vows. Of course, I cried like a fool and thought it was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. I called Bobby on the way to the reception and asked him if we, too, could write our own vows on top of the traditional vows; he made some comment about them including a clause involving a 25-pound bass, but nevertheless he agreed.
Why I thought it would be a good idea to add on another item on the to-do list and one that's emotional to boot, I'm not entirely sure. So, here I am. My first concern was that I didn't want to make it overly English-essay-esque. I have a tendency to write and speak with a flourish whether that flourish is needed or not; I feel that I can convey myself better when I think about and choose my words to do just that. On the other hand, I don't want to write woodenly or plainly because that's not me. My concern is more that I'll get too caught up in writing to sound pretty rather than writing to tell my husband and God what I intend to do in this marriage.
Which leads us to my second problem- what exactly do I want to say? We decided to keep the traditional vows because they do cover all the bases- richer or poorer, sickness and health, as long as you both shall live. All these things are very important, and when I started thinking about what I wanted to add onto, I became concerned that I wouldn't have anything valid to add onto that. That was a fleeting thought, though, and I know that I do have some things I'd like to tell Bobby in front of everyone, things like how much of an answered prayer he is to me, how he's my adventurer, my life partner. These are well and good, but then I arrived back at what I want to promise? At first I thought nice and sweet things, like "I promise to tell you I love you every day" (which I do), but it doesn't feel like enough. At some point the sweet thoughts turned into meaningful thoughts that led to thoughts that "Ah, yes, now we're getting somewhere" (metacognition's a wily sucker). Things occurred to me like "I promise to work for our marriage, to communicate and compromise and build trust", which are all things I think are important for a marriage. It's nice to say you'll go visit Italy, but you have to make arrangements to get there.
Which leads us to my second problem- what exactly do I want to say? We decided to keep the traditional vows because they do cover all the bases- richer or poorer, sickness and health, as long as you both shall live. All these things are very important, and when I started thinking about what I wanted to add onto, I became concerned that I wouldn't have anything valid to add onto that. That was a fleeting thought, though, and I know that I do have some things I'd like to tell Bobby in front of everyone, things like how much of an answered prayer he is to me, how he's my adventurer, my life partner. These are well and good, but then I arrived back at what I want to promise? At first I thought nice and sweet things, like "I promise to tell you I love you every day" (which I do), but it doesn't feel like enough. At some point the sweet thoughts turned into meaningful thoughts that led to thoughts that "Ah, yes, now we're getting somewhere" (metacognition's a wily sucker). Things occurred to me like "I promise to work for our marriage, to communicate and compromise and build trust", which are all things I think are important for a marriage. It's nice to say you'll go visit Italy, but you have to make arrangements to get there.
The more I thought about all these nice things I want to promise him that I'll do for him, the more it began to occur to me that these aren't just words that I'm saying to make my wedding extra squishy and happy. It has already occurred to me that the traditional vows are just that, "vows." The word "vow" means to "earnestly promise or pledge something" or to "promise to a god or saint". I'm not just saying these things to Bobby; I'm saying them to God. It's one thing to haphazardly pledge to a behavior with a person- "Sure, let's do lunch" or "I'll let you pick out the dog" or "You can come stay with me when you're in town". We make flippant comments about doing things for people, and these aren't "solemn promises made to a god or deity" but those wedding vows are. So when I started thinking about the things I was going to stand in front of people and God and Bobby and say, I realized that I better not say anything I wasn't committed to doing. I was already committed to not leaving him because he loses his job, or desert him because he gets cancer, or give myself to another man. Those are the big choices that you make many, many little choices that lead up to such. The vows I'm thinking of are harder, because there the ones that call me to roll over and hug him and apologize before I fall asleep because I'm wrong. These are the ones that cause me to question myself when I think I'm entitled to fuss at him for driving badly. They're the vows that make me get and stay right with God so that I can be a better wife to him. These are the vows that make me shut up and quick trying to sort out who's right and who's wrong and treat him with love and respect. And really that's all I'm wanting to say. I want to define more clearly for myself and for Bobby how I'm going to make that journey to Italy. "I promise to love you" is an astronomically broad statement. What are the specific things I'm going to do to act out that love for him? What things will I do late at night and when I'm ill and when my pride's in the way? What am I willing to promise and pledge to him that'll make the kind of wife I want to be to him? That's what I want to say.
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